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A Step-Dad's Nightmare, "You're Not My Dad!" - Now What?

By: Dr. Noel Swanson Q. "My son's father left us five years ago. Since then, I have remarried to a lovely man. David, my husband, has tried hard to make friends with Nathan, and left all the disciplining to me. Yet, though we have been married three years, my son still refuses to do anything that my husband asks. How do I get him to listen to his step father?"

A. Children often feel at fault when their parents divorce, even though the problems are with the adults. Nathan most likely sees the situation as his dad leaving him, rather than you. If his dad doesn't visit, or is sporadic about it, this will only reinforce Nathan's belief. He feels abandoned, guilty and also angry. His biggest fear is probably that you will leave him too.

This being the case, the fact that you have now brought in another man presents a couple of problems. First, it dashes hopes that one day Mum and Dad might get back together again. Secondly, it means that someone else is stealing all that attention that Nathan had been getting from you when you were single. No wonder his nose feels out of joint!

It could even be the case that Nathan really liked David before you two married. He just had boyfriend status then. He was fun to be around and wasn't bossy. Now he acts like he owns the whole place.

Making the transition from visitor to parent is often very tricky. The key to it is to be open and honest about it all. Communication is the key. Make time to talk together, regularly, in various combinations: you and Nathan, Nathan and David, and all three of you. Include your other children if you have any.

Let Nathan know that you are aware of his resentments, and confusion, and anger. Reassure him that David will never take his dad's place. It's perfectly normal for Nathan to love and miss his dad, even though you don't. Just be matter-of-fact about why you divorced and don't drag the kids into any parental battles.

At the same time, be clear about the fact that David is here because you love him and asked him to join your family. Tell Nathan that you don't love him any less and that he can like David without betraying his own dad.

Finally, make it quite clear that you have given full authority to David to have parental authority in the home. What David says is what goes. Do not allow Nathan to come to you to try to undermine decisions that David has made. Even if you disagree with what David has said you will need to back him up in public. Then when you are alone with him, you can sort out your disagreement. Nathan must see and hear that you are both completely united, and that you will back up David one hundred percent.

Article Source: http://www.lifeweightloss.com

You can find many more of Dr. Noel Swanson's articles on parenting here. Make sure you also sign up for his free child behavior newsletter. ~ai586
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