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Consistency - The Magic Word For Parenting

By: Dr. Noel Swanson If there is one word that is consistently heard about parenting, it is the need for consistency: consistency in what you say and do, and consistency between parents.

When you are not consistent, you expose your weaknesses and your children learn to manipulate you and play one parent against the other. But, you are only human and it’s an arduous task to achieve consistency. And what can you do single-handedly, if the other parent shows no inclination to improve his/her parenting style?

Here are some helpful tips:

First off, the key to both staying calm and maintaining consistency is to have a plan. Decide IN ADVANCE how you plan to deal with particular situations.

Having done that, when you find yourself in that situation you will be able to calmly do what you had pre-planned.

Without a plan, you will act out of habit, which is often a lot of yelling and threatening. With a plan, you will probably react differently.

You need to be clear about what is important and what is not. Then focus your attention on battles that are worth fighting and ignore the others. Remember, you cannot enforce rules on everything; you need to allow some freedom to the child especially if it doesn’t reflect poorly on the behavior.

As a family you can decide certain norms that are essential and others that are preferred behavior. For instance, some mothers allow their children to put their feet on the sofa, others don’t. It’s up to you. What is important is to stick with what you have decided. Don’t keep changing your stance every now and then.

Honestly, it is these grey areas that cause the maximum stress. If you are not clear about them, you can’t expect your children to read your mind when you want something done in a particular manner. Once you make up your mind you will see how the stress goes away.

The really difficult part is when you have a plan, but your partner keeps undermining it.

Now this reveals a great deal about your relationship as a couple. This is the area where you need to work on your relationship. Make sure that you discuss the children calmly and rationally, rather than use them as pawns in some kind of power games between you.

You don't even have to agree on everything - as long as you agree to disagree. But even when you disagree, you DO have to back each other up in front of the children. If your partner has said NO you must say NO too; and then discuss it between you privately. If you say NO, you would hope that (s)he would also back you up.

If you fail to do that, the kids will simply go from one parent to the other and get what they want.

The bottom line is to be consistent yourself so that you can discuss your rules and expectations with your partner and come up with a coherent plan. Most parents find a parent book very helpful in this respect. For one, it is written by people who know and secondly, it offers an unbiased objective opinion which is easy to accept by both parents.

Some parents find it difficult to agree on even fundamental ways of handling situations. This often stems from different styles and beliefs.

All you can do is be true to yourself, and let your partner be true too.

This may result in some very different parenting styles - one being permissive the other being authoritarian. The children are not stupid. They will quickly work this out, and will know what they can get away with and with whom.

This is an unfortunate situation and the sooner the gap between you is reduced the better it would be, otherwise it will create more problems in daily life. Since you cannot change the other, it is advisable to make some changes in your attitude. At least it will be more consistent for the children.

If your behavior is not consistent, then the situation can become so bad that one parent will completely destroy the credibility of the other parent. This kind of situation should not be allowed to continue. It is time to think seriously about your relationship and what to do about it. The children will learn to disrespect all types of authority, and you will fall in your own estimation.

Remember, if you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always got... if you want something to change, YOU will have to do something about it. Don't keep waiting for someone else to change first.

Article Source: http://www.lifeweightloss.com

Need some ideas for handling your children's behaviors? Why not take a look at Dr. Noel Swanson's expert parenting tips newsletter. His book, The GOOD CHILD Guide, is also highly recommended. Visit here for more parenting articles.
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