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Dealing with the Other Difficult Parent

By: Dr. Noel Swanson Q. I have a stepdaughter who is four years old. Her real mother whom she visits on weekends is in and out of jail; she has 86 felonies. Each visit leaves the child distraught; she gets depressed and sinks into her shell.

A. Having the mom in jail is a bit unusual, but this situation is very common with separated parents. Usually, of course, the child is living with mom and goes to Dad for the weekend. But the story is often the same: when she comes back from the visits she is either more disruptive and badly behaved, or strangely morose and silent.

Now, the question is how to overcome this problem.

First, let's be quite clear that putting the child into some sort of therapy is very unlikely to make much of a difference. This is something that needs to be sorted out by the adults.

There are basically two different situations. One is when one of the parents is causing the problem; and the other is just the differences between parents and homes. In this article I am going to focus on the former – the problem parent.

How do you identify the problem? There are various features that suggest that. For instance, the parent can’t be relied on. He/she promises to call or come, but fails to do so. This raises the hopes of the child and heightens the disappointment later on.

Often the parent does come and take the child but either ignores the child completely or imposes his/her will on the child. This hurts the child as it gives the impression that he/she is not a priority in the mind of the parent.

I have known of occasions when not only the child but even the mother has to accommodate last-minute changes in the other parent’s plans.

Some parents are so caught up in their emotions that they, intentionally or inadvertently, start using the child as a messenger for conveying unpleasant remarks about each other. This is damaging for the child. It gives him wrong ideas and he may develop an attitude to play one parent against the other for personal gains.

Then, is it surprising that the child returns from such a visit in a foul mood? All children want to be loved and accepted. This kind of treatment undermines their sense of worth and belonging. What is worse is that the parent does not even realize how his/her behavior is harming the child. To add fuel to fire, they claim they care so much for the child when none of their acts support their assertion.

The saddest part is that such slippery parents often win legal battles because they are manipulative. And, the courts have no way of finding the truth for lack of factual evidence to support the complaint of the other parent.

If you find yourself in this situation, you need to take some strong and decisive action. But it won't be easy.

First, explore the option of mediation or the courts. In such an extreme case the other parent should probably be denied access to the child. Of course, it will probably be more difficult to convince the courts.

The best you can get, however, is a somewhat clear agreement on the question of visits. You will have a clear idea of the exact date and time of the visit. But you will still have to handle the phone calls during the week and your child in the eventuality when the other parent promises to come but does not show up.

In that case, abide by the agreement and put your foot down if there are delays and deviations from the promised time. Give him ten minutes more and if he doesn’t turn up, follow your own plans. Go out with your child and have a good time. Don’t wait at home and sulk. Don’t be available to adjust with his convenience.

Keep a record of exactly what happens and when. You will need this when you go back to court. You may also want to seek expert opinions to testify as to the effects of all of this on the child.

No matter what happens, make sure you are always warm, positive and supportive with your child. You don’t have to make excuses for the other parent nor should you criticize him in the presence of your child. Just enjoy the times when she is with you. Do your best to make life as normal as possible in the abnormal circumstances.

As an ultimate step you might have to think of moving out of the town or state to make the visits more impractical. But, before you decide to take such a drastic step, make sure your opinion about the other parent is not based on prejudices against him. Think objectively, or talk it over with a friend or counselor before moving out.

Article Source: http://www.lifeweightloss.com

Dr. Noel Swanson has a free newsletter on children's behavior problems and also writes regularly for Yes Parenting website. ~ai602
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