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Parenting Tips for Divorce Damage Control

By: Dr. Noel Swanson While divorce is a sign of freedom for couples in a bad relationship, it leaves scars on the minds of both partners. Divorce is not a new phenomenon, as many would have us believe. People have been getting into marriage and walking out of it from times immemorial.

Nevertheless, divorce is not something pleasant. It means that two people who had got together, for right or wrong reasons, couldn’t make it work and have come to the point of breaking it up.

That is always sad.

But, if you have read any of my other articles, you will know that I am not one for looking at the past to see who we can blame. What does interest me is looking forward - to see how you can make the best of a bad situation.

No one WANTS to get divorced. But if, for whatever reason, divorce has happened, or is going to happen, then lets at least limit the fallout as much as we can.

So, for the sake of the children, here are some tips on how to minimize the impact on the kids:

1. Ideally, parents should not get divorced because children want to live with both parents in a loving and caring home. That is a responsibility you have towards them.

But, if your relationship is getting sour, for whatever reason, be honest about it. Deluding yourself or sweeping it under the carpet won’t help. Face it and if you feel the need, ask for help - first for yourself, and then jointly as a couple. Make one more attempt to re-kindle the love you once had.

This does not imply that you should continue in an abusive relationship ‘only for the sake of the children.’ If the reason for divorce is continuing violence, drug abuse, acrimony, and other such things, then the sooner you get out of it the better for all who are affected by it.

2. If you must separate, be grown-up about it. Do your level best to separate amicably. Agree that things are not working out between you and that it is best to separate. Avoid lengthy court battles and custody disputes. Why? They cost you a bunch of money, drag down your emotions, preventing you from moving on with life, and ALWAYS end up with the children picking up the bad vibes and feeling very insecure.

3. Even if the other person has hurt you badly, he is still the parent of your child. And no child likes to hear bad things about their parents. Be honest with your children and answer their questions as dispassionately as you can, even though it may not be easy at times. Also, you need to reassure them that you are not going to leave too. Most children feel abandoned.

4. The secret of all relationships is honesty. While you should not say nasty things about the other parent, there is no need to defend them either. If he has promised to come and doesn’t turn up, don’t make excuses for him. You don’t know what is going on in the child’s mind. Very often children start blaming themselves for all that is going wrong. Make it quite clear that it isn’t their fault that you separated or that the other parent is so unreliable.

5. However badly hurt or angry you might be, encourage your children to keep in contact (visits, phone calls, letters) with the other parent for as long as it is a positive experience for them. They need that. However much you might despise your ex, do not poison your child's relationship with him/her.

6. However, be very careful that you don’t start using your child as a messenger. Find other means to communicate to each other.

7. If the other parent really is harmful or abusive to the children, then do everything in your power to protect them. But make sure this is not just your own pain, guilt or jealousy speaking!

8. As a rule, joint custody, in which the child spends three days a week in one home and 4 days in the other doesn’t seem to work. Children need a place they can call home. Be objective and think of your child’s interest. If the other parent really is emotionally and financially stronger, and can take better care of the kids - then don’t let your ego stop you from permitting it. It may hurt you very bad, but you are an adult and should be able to handle it. Give preference to what is good your child. At the same time, don’t interfere with the parenting style of the other parent. You do your best in your house and leave them to look after the parenting in their house.

9. Children are not prepared to see someone else taking the place of their parent. So, be sensitive about bringing strangers into the home. Children keep hoping that their parents will get back together some day. Don’t kill their hopes.

10. Finally, take control of your life. Don’t dwell on old wounds. Think positive and live in the present. Try to make the future happy. You will come out stronger from the experience and you will give your children hope about human relationships, or they might fall into similar situations when they grow up.

Will your children suffer from your divorce? It all depends on how you handle it. But if you can maintain a calm, adult, relationship with your ex, so that you can talk sensibly about visiting times, school progress, etc, even if you can't live together, then you children can do very well.

All you have to do is be a good parent to the best of your ability.

Article Source: http://www.lifeweightloss.com

Dr. Noel Swanson writes regularly for Yes Parenting website and also has a free newsletter with heaps of expert parenting advice.
This and other unique content parenting articles are available with free reprint rights.

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