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Some of the Funnier Things Said

By: Steven Jeny In a rut? Grumbling about all the nonsense in your life? Switch to decaf and lighten up a bit. Easier said then done, eh? Well, give these jokes and quotes a read. They should do the trick.

1. Rodney Dangerfield - I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

2. Drew Carey - You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!

3. Steven Wright - I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

4. Jay Leno - Dick Cheney says he loves California - out here the rich and famous can shoot people and get away with it. Wait till these Enron guys find out that in prison, the term "Insider trading" has a whole new meaning.

5. Dave Attell - You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike

6. Steven Wright - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

7. Rodney Dangerfield - My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

8. George Bush - One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected.

9. Groucho Marx - She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

10. Steven Wright - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Steven Wright - Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. Dave Attell - You ever get drunk and pass out... or as I call it 'time travel'?

13. George Bush - The point now is how do we work together to achieve important goals. And one such goal is a democracy in Germany.

14. Jay Leno - In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word 'peace.' Right idea, wrong president.

15. Bill Cosby - A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

If life is getting you down, fight back. Read a joke or funny saying each day. Even on the worst of days, it will provide you with a little glimmer of relief. A laugh a day keeps the mental institution away!